HANOI and HALONG BAY

WHERE: HANOI and HALONG BAY
WHERE (less detailed): NORTH VIETNAM (the ones the US got their asses kicked by)
DAYS: 100-114

WEATHER IS: a little disappointing, for some reason we thought as soon as we arrived in Vietnam the heavens would part and we would bask in the glory of pure, undiluted, unadulterated sunshine. Instead it’s still cloudy and a little cold, just a little less cold than china.
TEMPERTATURE IS: warmer than Britain still, but only by about 10-15 degrees or so.
PEOPLE ARE: possessed by a collective deathwish and clearly not with a valid motorbike licence between them. The roads here are crazy, 90 per cent of traffic is motorbike/scooters and there is no discernable highway code in use. People just do wherever the want and take the risk that there might be an articulated truck headed straight towards them. In Hanoi all pavements are occupied by parked scooters or vendor which forces pedestrians to dance with the traffic. The funniest thing though is that every couple of minutes, with you having escaped becoming a traffic accident statistic, a local sitting on a parked bike will holler to you and suggest you use his bike taxi...

FOOD IS: much more western than in China, with an order of chicken predominantly consisting of chicken meat,not feet, chicken bones, chicken brains or even chicken innards. The food is also more subtle in taste which, for Paul’s IrnBru/Pick’n’Mix ravaged taste buds, means a little bland. Rhaani, who happily states she has normal taste-buds, contends the food is fantastic.

A BEER COSTS: 5p a cup in the self-proclaimed cheapest pub in the world. We track it down but Rhaani vetoes it on account that “we’re not the sort of people who sit out on plastic chairs in the dusty streets.” Paul is just happy that for once he can say “of course we can go to a bar that charges six times more for a drink” and not feel a knot of anguish form in his colon.
A MEAL COSTS: £2 for a main and 10p for some rice.

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: Paul being told to open his bag by a border-crossing guard as there appears to be in gun in it! Turns out it was our Japanese kitchen knife which is allowed in with a dismissive snort of derision. I felt quite offended to be honest as its quite a tasty blade and I’m sure in the right hands it could do some damage…our hotel, in Hanoi had warned us to only use two cab firms as the other ones are mafia run, this warning was reiterated by every restaurant and shop we went in. In the end you imagined every cab driver to be machete-wielding maniacs with hand-grenade belts strapped across their chests and machine guns mounted on their bonnets…

...as it turned out we took one of the hotel approved cab firms to get to the hotel and were treated to an unrequested tour of the city to triple our expected cab fare - from £1 to £3 - while the cabbie who took us to the train station to leave Hanoi tried to argue that the price he had quoted the hotel for the journey was per person…crossing the road and living to tell the tale…a lingering feeling of guilt at giving the much heralded local water puppet show a miss, but really unless they feature Bert and Ernie or those two grumpy old men in the box seats then I think we’re a little too old for puppet shows …Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum, quite a cool tribute for someone who just invented a quirky beard…that’s two stuffed communist leaders seen by us just Lenin to go and we can send our tokens off and get a free trip to the gulags!!....the Revolutionary Museum, for once it’s the French and American’s who must hang their heads in shame as the atrocities carried out by their countrymen is laid bare…

...the spectacular Halong Bay, although according to the grumpiest hostel owner in the world (Nanning Hostel China) “I wouldn’t bother going there is I were you, it’s just like Nanning but with water”….sharing the cruise with two of the nicest Indian’s and the discomfort of having to answer the question “So what did you think of India?” a diplomatic answer the likes of which a corrupt sleazy politician would have been proud of was offered before Paul cracked as said I’m sorry but it was just painful…kayaking across Halong Bay and visiting the floating school….spending 20 fruitless minutes trying to catch squid off the side of the boat while every tourist in every other boat in Halong bay tried the same…. Taking in a shocked gasp of air and then exhaling the biggest sigh of relief as one of the alternative cruise boats we had contemplated taking catches fire and lights up the harbor…

...funnily enough it still doesn’t stop the Americans from being loud and crass… visiting the Hanoi Hilton (the name given to the prison by captured US prisoners of war) and realizing how much better the Vietnamese treated their prisons than the French did when they used it as a prison. Who’d have thought the commies would have been so nice. One particularly touching photograph caption was “see how the captured Americans are allowed to enjoy games and experience local culture as opposed to the killing they previously did”….the Temple of Literature, just a scaled-down version of Forbidden City you, can’t help but feel underwhelmed….

...interestingly they tried to save the boat first and then look after the passengers. Also we met some German guys who were on the sister boat and they said they were about to disembark and then the fire started and they were left for 1hr as they boat to take them to shore was rerouted to help the other boat….

ACHITECTURE: fantastic, the French might have brutally raped the country and abused its population but they left some really nice looking buildings behind. So all square really.

VIET-FACT: the Vietnamese have perfected the art of carrying an obscene amount of produce on the back of a scooter. At one point we saw a guy strap a housing estate, a local hospital and a ring road to the back of his bike and pull out in front of a bus.
UP NEXT: south VIETNAM, the DMZ tunnels tour and a German loses it.