Delhi

Rhaani braves the crowds to visit the Red Fort

Where: Delhi


Where (less detailed): capital of India

Weather: upon arrival the hottest it’s been since we left London, absolutely scorchio, and they said Delhi was on flood alert. Next day torrential rain from the minute we were woken up by early morning prayers at 6am until the minute we arrived back at the hotel and took our ponchos off.

Gandhi - he's kinda a big deal around here.

Temperature: about 36 degrees and about 21 degrees in the back of our AC car that chauffered us around (actually we might be getting the hang of this travelling lark after all)

People: Okay, except the two guys who “helped” us to an extra 2km walk after we fell twice for the “The International Train Ticket Office is this way,” as we ending up in two different travel agencies that clearly weren’t the ticket office.

Paul enjoys a brief respite in the downpour to feed the guns

Food: best Butter Chicken Curry I’ve ever tasted, although halfway through the second serving I was feeling a little sick, still finished it though as didn’t want to waste the £3.50 I’d just spent...after a night in which I dreamed of pizza and pasta finally succumbed to non-Indian food and demolished my Wimpey burger and chips...elsewhere best Sea Bass I’ve ever had...

Delhi train station 6am

famous footsteps

Adventures/Highlights/Lowlights: Rhaani being locked in our bus from Jaipur as it stops for a pee-break... Paul enjoying a tasty Cornetto as Rhaani tries to escape... experiencing the “queueing system” in the Delhi metro ticket hall – I understand they rejected British imperialism but you would have thought they’d have kept the idea of an orderly line...marvelling at being able to get from the suburbs into the Old Town in only 20mins, then taking 90mins to fight through the crowds to our restaurant... our waiter being aghast at the thought of having a beer with our curry – I thought it was mandatory... wading through 9inch deep puddles of water during our historical tour of Delhi, at least it cut down on the crowds...Live ESPN in our hotel room, Man U 3-2 Liverpool, hi Raj... the preference of the locals to get absolutely drenched rather than use umbrellas or even hoods... Red Fort, now that’s what I call a Fort, Kochi... the Humayan Tombs, now that’s what I call a pimped-out tombstone.... the Gandhi museum, following his marked final footsteps from bedroom to assassination point (I’m pretty sure they were put in afterwards)... Rhaani finding a cappacino, Paul finding some awesome ice-cream but having to let it melt while he ran to find a working toilet....stunning sculptures in National museum...best comedy moment so far, after 5 minutes consulting our map, agreeing where we were, were we wanted to go and exactly how to get there we walk off in complete opposite directions...annoyingly missed great photo op: Delhi metro station information poster: “No human remains allowed on Metro”...first experience of ordering blindly off Menu – Dosas, pretty tasty...Rhaani buying a pair of MC Hammers cast-off pants...mystery of middle-aged men with bad Ginger hair dyed hair...the look of disgust on the hotel managers when Paul, trying to make small talk, asks him who the fat Bollywood actor with the big moustache is? [ed note: I still contend he was actually confused because 95 per cent of Bollywood actors meet that description]...the specialist builders brought to try and get the city ready for the Commonwealth games, namely women who just bang on the pavement with stub-nosed hammers for 8hrs a day....the Delhi official in charge of the Commonwealth games project: Sheila Dikshit...minutes before boarding our train discovering our cattle class seats to Amritsar, which we thought we could just about suffer for five hours, was in fact eight and a half hours....realising our 5.30am taxi was headed for the airport, not the train station....stepping over the sleeping bodies to get to the most manic 6am train station ever.... Paul’s first interaction with an Indian that hasn’t ended with “one more stuffed paratha please” or “no I don’t want a frigging ride in your tuk-tuk not matter how ‘special’ your price is”: an Indian kid called Jackson, named after Michael Jackson, who sat next to him on the train....

all set for an international sporting event

Overall: awesome, in fairness coming off the back of Jaipur anywhere would be great but a really impressive city...had been warned of countless scams and hassles from the locals but it was a breeze in comparison to Jaipur, have I mentioned we didn’t like Jaipur? Regarding the Commonwealth games the eagerness of residents to piss in the streets and the abundance of mud and sludge everywhere suggests it’s not going to be the smoothest of events.

Up next: Amritsar, still India

Jaipur

Where: Jaipur – the Pink City, only called the Pink City because “The City where stray pigs, goats and dogs fight over rubbish thrown into the street to rot and decay” wouldn’t have fitted on a postcard.

Jaipur...as close as you want to get without a full body-suit

Where (less detailed): hell on earth, otherwise Rajisthan, India

Weather: hard to tell as the stench from the streets forms a natural seal to the heavens. Quite hot though.

the Amber Fort...away from the city

Temperature: about 34 degrees

Food: very good but the city was such a state that we were too shell-shocked to venture out from the hotel, and when we did it was only to another hotel.

Hawa Mahal...designed to allow Royal ladies to view the city without having to step in its crap

Locals: not so bad but just millions of them and every one a graduate in “Blatant and Prolonged Leering at Western Women.”

Adventures/Highlights/Lowlights: our shock at our Lonely Planet-recommended hotel which must have been converted from a state mental hospital just hours before our arrival....our joy at our second hotel which was a beautiful and lavishly decorated oasis of calm... our first real culture shock as we step out of our taxi into a maelstrom of hussle, bussle and small hillocks of street garbage...the inability of every motorist to travel ten foot without honking his horn...Paul throwing a wobbly at the Yoga instructor who switched the class setting from the rooftop veranda to the small patch of mud behind the pool...Paul throwing a wobbly at the friend of our tuk-tuk driver who tagged along to be “friendly” and not to try and persuade us to visit his friend’s restaurant or emporium of tat and ill-fitting t-shirts...

obligatory arty shot

Amber fort - now that’s what I call a Palace; the residence of the Raj of Jaipur and his 300 wives, although only 2 were officially wives... City Palace, now that’s what I call a Palace - the city residence of the Raj but probably not the 300 wives as it is quite a bit smaller...Tiger Fort, the palace of a later Raj, built for his wife who could look out over the city without having to go into it - now there’s a smart woman - incidentally not much of a palace, or a Fort for that matter, but a damn sight better than Kochi’s effort...Rhaani’s worst nightmare; after descending six narrow flights of pigeon-infested stairs finding the exit door had been locked from the outside...discovering our travel blog has turned us into global superstars as now Indian families stop and ask to have their photos taken with us...finding out our 6hr evening train to Amritsar didn’t leave for another two days and actually took 18hrs, and there weren’t any air-con beds available, only the general sleep carriages we enjoyed the last time...our new travel plan, a 5hr bus to Delhi then a 6hr train to Amritsar....discovering we’re the worst travellers ever as after our 2 days exploring the sights we decide we should take a “pool day” and vow not to leave the hotel compound for the next 24hrs, who cares about the “real India”...

The Golden Palace

No of poos Rhaani had in last 12hrs: 4

Overall: the new benchmark for squalor, people whose job it is to clean up bodies that have been left to decompose for weeks would surely recoil with revulsion at the sight of this place... We have never experienced such horror...

dont worry....I rarely get burned on me neck

Up next: Dehli, still India

Fort Kochi

Where: Fort Kochi

not a fort...Chinese fishing nets

Where (less detailed): central Kerala, India

Weather: ordinary sunshine but added to our existing sunburn feel like a pair of ginger kids in the fires of hell.

Temperature: about 34 degrees

Food: very good but so far haven’t ate in a place that hasn’t been filled with Lonely Planet-wielding sixth form students. Feel like I’m learning A*Level chemistry and all about Kent by osmosis.

Locals: nice enough but everyone seems to own an arts and crafts stall.

streets....not a fort

Adventures/Highlights/Lowlights: The Fort Kochies are a complete bunch of liars, first of all their Dutch Palace has absolutely no palatiousness, secondly my genuine 99p Diesel plastic belt turned out to be a fake, thirdly a 2hr yoga class only runs for 60 minutes but most importantly there is absolutely no bloody Fort in Fort Kochi...

Days since Rhaani last pooed: 4

Overall: a very nice place to wander and waste some time. Clean and friendly

Up next: Jaipur, Rajisthan, still India

Munnar (tea plantations) and getting there

                                                                  MUNNAR

Welcome to Munnar

Where: Munnar (tea plantations) and getting there
Where (less detailed): Southern India, central Kerala


our carriage awaits

 Weather: absolutely stotting it down on the first day, blinding sunshine the next, thick fog rolling in and out at least 5 times a day.
Temperature: around 35*c
Food: Excellent! Finally found spicy Indian curry, discovered Keralan parathas and will now trade 1st born for them, also discovered cardamon tea.

just breathe in that view

Locals: really nice, friendly and multi-taskers - our evening cookery instructor turned out to be our trekking guide the next morning.


Adventures/Highlights/Lowlights: a 5hr trip of a luxury 1950s bus (with shock absorbers removed) with a boyracer at the wheel...during bus pee break an old indian dude at the urinal over made absolutely no effort to hide the fact that he was staring at my shaft! to the extent that if my penis mugged an old lady this guy could pick it out of a penae line-up in a heartbeat...a the tea plantation video which informs viewers that its corporate responsibility programme consists of "rehabilitating" mentally disabled kids by making them to produce locally harvested strawberry jam, I never realised being disabled was a crime but good to learn of the healing powers of jam, nurse we've got a emergency here, get me some Hartley's origninal!....

Rhaani before she realises a small creature has been sucking her blood

oligatory arty shot



mark my words, you'll regret that rolled up sleeve



.....an easy 4hr hike that showed us just how under-prepared we are for the 14-day Himalaya adventure we have already booked...fresh from her mosquito ordeal Rhaani having 5 bloodsucking leaches attach themselves to her legs during the trek - turns out the old salt/slug trick is how you get them off ....realising toughness of trek might have something to do with the 10am-2pm timeframe we selected (Mad Dogs and Englishmen still apparently holds true).. timeframe definitely played a role in the severe sunburn Paul suffers despite liberal applications of factor30 sunblock - and yes mum I rubbed it in properly....our first tuk-tuk accident as our driver rear-ends the car in front... after a sunburn-interrupted nights sleep the 5hr return rollercoaster ride along windy, pot-holed mountain roads in a packed bus.

Up Next: Fort Kochi



Kerala Backwaters





Rhaani adds a touch of Australian class to the backwaters



Where: Keralan Backwaters and getting there

Where (less detailed): India - land of a million moustaches, seriously, it's like Brookeside and Magnum had a massively overweight lovechild.
Weather: depends what time of day you ask, pissing it down in the morning, then bright sunshine, then pissing it down then bright sunshine then...
Temperature: about 25*c

obligatory arty shot of Backwaters

Food: Still waiting to get a hot curry which hasn't been mild-ernised for delicate-palated westerners.
Locals: mean and money grabbing, smiling through clenched teeth.



comfortable in my soft-sleeper seat

 


view from the luggage racks (ferocious family below)

 Adventures/Highlights/Lowlights: feeling pretty good about our soft-sleeper train seats until an angry family of 10 shouted at us and we fled up into the luggage racks...Rhaani being savaged by an angry mob of mosquitos...spending an evening in our room because Rhaani was adamant they were waiting outside for her and after tasting some sweet meat were bound to have told the others...a truly peaceful day cruising the backwaters in our own private houseboat...captain of said houseboat ripping us off for our dinner of fresh massive prawns (15 sterling for a kilo compared to 5 kilo when we got off the boat)

Things lost/stolen: still nothing but I did accidently delete our entire itunes movie collection. Not looking forward to our next 40hr train journey.

Kerala - days 1-2

Where: Trivandrum and Varkala
Where(less detailed): Southern India
Weather: Muggy with a bit of cloudy
Temperature: about 27*
Food: good but too easy to find pizza, Chinese, Thai and German to feel truly authentic

Locals: seem to have learned English in order to keep asking us if we want to buy things - whilst using a better vocabulary than Rhaani
Adventures/Highlights: nearly missing connecting flight from Frankfurt cos Rhaani forgot about time difference......ayurveda full body massage, in which a small moustached Indian told me to strip naked and sit on a stool while he walked behind me and boiled up some special Indian oil! I'm sure that's prison talk for something very unpleasant....catching our first Indian train - 42INR (70p) for both of us for a 1hr trip - and having 40 pairs of eyes watch as I pull out my iPhone and read an iBook - I never knew Indians were such Apple fans....
Things Lost/Stolen ha! Nothing! Well it has only been 2 days

T-24hrs

We've now officially within the 24hr countdown marker.

This time tomorrow we'll be somewhere over the North Sea heading for... Frankfurt, of all places.

Thanks to our "no expense spent" travel plans we ended up buying a cheap flight to Bombay via Germany. Nothing like Saurkraut and teutonic efficiency to prepare you for the culture-shock of India.

Nervous and excited? The excitement hasn't kicked in, but then I'm scrubbing our fridge clean so it's pretty hard to get too worked up about anything at the moment.

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