HANOI and HALONG BAY

WHERE: HANOI and HALONG BAY
WHERE (less detailed): NORTH VIETNAM (the ones the US got their asses kicked by)
DAYS: 100-114

WEATHER IS: a little disappointing, for some reason we thought as soon as we arrived in Vietnam the heavens would part and we would bask in the glory of pure, undiluted, unadulterated sunshine. Instead it’s still cloudy and a little cold, just a little less cold than china.
TEMPERTATURE IS: warmer than Britain still, but only by about 10-15 degrees or so.
PEOPLE ARE: possessed by a collective deathwish and clearly not with a valid motorbike licence between them. The roads here are crazy, 90 per cent of traffic is motorbike/scooters and there is no discernable highway code in use. People just do wherever the want and take the risk that there might be an articulated truck headed straight towards them. In Hanoi all pavements are occupied by parked scooters or vendor which forces pedestrians to dance with the traffic. The funniest thing though is that every couple of minutes, with you having escaped becoming a traffic accident statistic, a local sitting on a parked bike will holler to you and suggest you use his bike taxi...

FOOD IS: much more western than in China, with an order of chicken predominantly consisting of chicken meat,not feet, chicken bones, chicken brains or even chicken innards. The food is also more subtle in taste which, for Paul’s IrnBru/Pick’n’Mix ravaged taste buds, means a little bland. Rhaani, who happily states she has normal taste-buds, contends the food is fantastic.

A BEER COSTS: 5p a cup in the self-proclaimed cheapest pub in the world. We track it down but Rhaani vetoes it on account that “we’re not the sort of people who sit out on plastic chairs in the dusty streets.” Paul is just happy that for once he can say “of course we can go to a bar that charges six times more for a drink” and not feel a knot of anguish form in his colon.
A MEAL COSTS: £2 for a main and 10p for some rice.

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: Paul being told to open his bag by a border-crossing guard as there appears to be in gun in it! Turns out it was our Japanese kitchen knife which is allowed in with a dismissive snort of derision. I felt quite offended to be honest as its quite a tasty blade and I’m sure in the right hands it could do some damage…our hotel, in Hanoi had warned us to only use two cab firms as the other ones are mafia run, this warning was reiterated by every restaurant and shop we went in. In the end you imagined every cab driver to be machete-wielding maniacs with hand-grenade belts strapped across their chests and machine guns mounted on their bonnets…

...as it turned out we took one of the hotel approved cab firms to get to the hotel and were treated to an unrequested tour of the city to triple our expected cab fare - from £1 to £3 - while the cabbie who took us to the train station to leave Hanoi tried to argue that the price he had quoted the hotel for the journey was per person…crossing the road and living to tell the tale…a lingering feeling of guilt at giving the much heralded local water puppet show a miss, but really unless they feature Bert and Ernie or those two grumpy old men in the box seats then I think we’re a little too old for puppet shows …Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum, quite a cool tribute for someone who just invented a quirky beard…that’s two stuffed communist leaders seen by us just Lenin to go and we can send our tokens off and get a free trip to the gulags!!....the Revolutionary Museum, for once it’s the French and American’s who must hang their heads in shame as the atrocities carried out by their countrymen is laid bare…

...the spectacular Halong Bay, although according to the grumpiest hostel owner in the world (Nanning Hostel China) “I wouldn’t bother going there is I were you, it’s just like Nanning but with water”….sharing the cruise with two of the nicest Indian’s and the discomfort of having to answer the question “So what did you think of India?” a diplomatic answer the likes of which a corrupt sleazy politician would have been proud of was offered before Paul cracked as said I’m sorry but it was just painful…kayaking across Halong Bay and visiting the floating school….spending 20 fruitless minutes trying to catch squid off the side of the boat while every tourist in every other boat in Halong bay tried the same…. Taking in a shocked gasp of air and then exhaling the biggest sigh of relief as one of the alternative cruise boats we had contemplated taking catches fire and lights up the harbor…

...funnily enough it still doesn’t stop the Americans from being loud and crass… visiting the Hanoi Hilton (the name given to the prison by captured US prisoners of war) and realizing how much better the Vietnamese treated their prisons than the French did when they used it as a prison. Who’d have thought the commies would have been so nice. One particularly touching photograph caption was “see how the captured Americans are allowed to enjoy games and experience local culture as opposed to the killing they previously did”….the Temple of Literature, just a scaled-down version of Forbidden City you, can’t help but feel underwhelmed….

...interestingly they tried to save the boat first and then look after the passengers. Also we met some German guys who were on the sister boat and they said they were about to disembark and then the fire started and they were left for 1hr as they boat to take them to shore was rerouted to help the other boat….

ACHITECTURE: fantastic, the French might have brutally raped the country and abused its population but they left some really nice looking buildings behind. So all square really.

VIET-FACT: the Vietnamese have perfected the art of carrying an obscene amount of produce on the back of a scooter. At one point we saw a guy strap a housing estate, a local hospital and a ring road to the back of his bike and pull out in front of a bus.
UP NEXT: south VIETNAM, the DMZ tunnels tour and a German loses it.

YANGSHOU

NOTICE: Apologies to our devoted followers for our failure to keep you up to date with our whereabouts. We can only point the finger of blame towards the diminutive and quite frankly pointless Raj Malalgoda for putting himself, his health and his full-time career first once again. We appreciate we must take some of the blame for putting your entertainment in the hands of such a man. In our defence it was with the twin pillars of non-discrimination and equal-opportunity that we sought to hire someone so obviously short. Stereotypes exist for a good reason and we should never have forgotten this. Now, safe in the knowledge that we won't be travelling through another Communist-run country we have relieved Raj from his duties - Raj you're useless and you're fired - and from here on we will have sole responsibility for the posting of forthcoming blogs*


I don’t know why but suddenly I really feel like some Sweet and Sour Chicken and a Special Fried Rice

 WHERE: Yangshou, as featured in every Chinese restaurant in Britain, is home to the iconic image of fisherman on the river in the shadow of huge rolling hills.

WHERE (less detailed): Southern China, just a little bit above Vietnam.

DAYS: 117-122

when the bus terminal looks this picturesque you know you’re in for a treat

WEATHER IS: a little cold and misty the day we arrive and mistier and colder the longer we stay. By day three we decide we’re happy enough gazing at the scenery from inside our super-warm room.

TEMPERATURE IS: around the 0-5degree c mark.

beats Haddington on a rainy December day

PEOPLE ARE: thanks to the amazing setting of our secluded hotel we don’t really know. The crowds at the Light Show are retarded with a good 20% turning up 10 minutes into the show and the same number leaving before it finished. But worst of all is their sheep-like willingness to follow the leader despite all logic dictating otherwise. It became a game to see how many people would follow each other to the two empty seats half-way along the row in front of us. We got three sixes, two sevens and one winning eight, all working under the misguided conceptions that seats, much like embryonic cells, divide and multiply at staggering rates.

follow me, I see a seat

FOOD IS: fantastic and bountiful in our hotel. Especially the Satay Chicken which we ended up having four out of the five nights we were there.

A BEER COSTS: £1 in our hotel's bar.

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS:

After experiencing the most brutal snoring in China we arrived in Yangshou with what could only be described as shell-shock. I’ve never been on a battlefield but I feel 100% confident that I could attend a support group for combat-scarred war veterans and not feel out of place.  The Chinaman who shared our cabin was such a violent snorer that his family had actually exiled him from their birth and forced him upon us. Despite personally-moulded, noise-isolating headphones and iPods on full blast we heard him throughout the night. Our only respite was when Paul went to the bathroom and “accidentally” grabbed his duvet and pulled it off him and only the floor…. the view from our room and balcony, set 3km outside the town our hotel was as fantastic and idyllic setting as one could hope to find

room with a view

…while stunning is fast becoming our most over-used words Yangshou is simply stunning…. once again China reinforces its case for being named our most-favouritist country, ever… the Li River boat cruise, chosing from one of the thousand empty homemade mock-bamboo, hairdryer powered boats that pootle along the river…

Rhaani tries to hide the strain of travelling around the world

…our cookery course that took us to Yangshou market, we finally get to see the gruesome live markets that I remember from travel programmes in my youth… live chickens, ducks, rabbits, but best of all cats - and not the mangy stray type, probably the cutest fluffy little ball of fur cats I’ve seen…unfortunately also a strung up dog… the lady in the corner with the big cleaver you take your living purchases to for “packaging”….

Remember people, a kitten’s not just for Xmas…you can also have use it for sandwiches on Boxing Day and if you put it in the fridge early enough in a curry for the 27^th.

Asia's very own Cruella de Vil

…the 20km bicycle ride in freezing conditions was definitely a low-light…Rhaani’s Big Love addiction takes hold as she devours 3 seasons in 5 days….the heavens open up as we take our seats from the Yangshou Light Show. The show was directed by the same guy who did the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony. About 600 villagers take part in the show which goes some way to explaining why the touts in town are the least persistent in China.

THE CHINESE EAT WHAT?: household pets clearly

where are they now? - no.34, Lassie

UP NEXT:  Vietnam

* In the event that we do enter another country that blocks our access to blogger.com and need someone to post these inane ramblings, Raj me old mucka you know I was only kidding. We think the world of you and appreciate all your help. Oh and also we both recognise that at the grand height of 5ft 2inch you are 4inches over the legal height limit for dwarfism. Thus, in our eyes, at least, you will always be a giant amongst men.

Hong Kong - food special

HONG KONG – food special

Not long now, just another three hours till we eat

WHERE (more detailed): TIM HO WAN, the world’s cheapest Michellin Star restaurant

PEOPLE ARE: very hungry and very patient. There is an ever-changing mass of 20+ people standing on the curbside, waiting up to 4hrs for one of the 10 tables inside.

FOOD IS: amazing, without doubt the best dim sum we have ever tasted. The house speciality pork-filled crispy hot bun’s were amazing. Bizarrely the cinnamon sugar topping complimented the pork perfectly.



good things come to those who wait



HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS:

With only a single day lay-over between Japan and our return to mainland China we had to decide between a visit to the world’s largest sitting Golden Buddha and some small fluffy finger food. After the shortest debate in history we headed out to eat some dim sum. Reasoning that we could minimize our waiting time by arriving mid-afternoon we took a leisurely stroll and arrived at the end of the queue at 2.20pm. We located the matre’d and were told we were table 187. “How long do we have to wait?” asked Paul, 3 came the reply. “Great,” says Rhaani, only 40mins,” “3pm?” confirmed Paul to the matre’d as he pointed at his watch “No 3hrs, come back in 3hrs,” came the shrill reply. With that we decided Dim Sum was more a dinner meal than lunch and headed off for an alternative bite….. Fortunately we found another great Cantonese restaurant and enjoyed a tasty lunch. Fast forward 3hrs and we returned to Tim Ho Wan to find we had missed our spot by 5 tables. Luckily the board outside the restaurant that informed customers which table was being seated next hadn’t been updated and Paul was able to point to it and insist we had been waiting like good little children and it was the restaurant’s fault for not seating us….10 minutes later we were sat inside and the envy of 40 envious eyes outside…the rest has to be tasted to be believed. While the crispy pork buns were out of this world, the shrimp dim sum and spinach and garlic dim sum options were equally delightful. The fried noodles and chicken and rice that Paul ordered were surprisingly poor but as Rhaani pointed out only an idiot comes to a dim sum restaurant and orders chicken and rice.   

The best part of the experience came when the bill arrived and we discovered the total for our 9 dishes was £10.

Paul's sort of price (£10)

JAPAN

crosswalk traffic

just one of Kyoto's wonders

WHERE: Japan (Tokyo, Kyoto, Osaka, Nara, Hiroshima)
DAYS: 100-114
PEOPLE ARE: without doubt the politest in the world. Are these the same folk that routinely invaded China leaving a trail decapitated bodies in their wake? The same people who sprang a surprise attack on Pearl Harbour? According to renowned Japanese scholar Dr Rhaani B. Clements, the historical violence was due to the fact the Japanese had big f*ck-off swords and just wanted to use them. Perhaps when your populace is used as the first testing site for nuclear bombs you lose a little bit of your swagger. Regardless the people couldn’t be more docile. Bowing profusely as you enter and leave establishments, refusing to touch the money you hand to them (they offer a plate onto which you place your payment. They in return hand you your change with both hands and a bow). Furthermore whenever you enter or leave a restaurant all the serving staff and chefs shout out "welcome" or "goodbye, thanks for coming." It’s all the more amazing when you consider this is a people who suffered two nuclear bombs and a year with Dmitri.

do you have any idea how stupid you look?

FOOD IS: the only thing worth the inflation-distorted prices. Even the sushi from the local convenience store is fantastic. Top marks

do you have any idea how stupid you look?

A BEER COSTS: £6 in a crap pub, £2 for a can in the supermarket
HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS:
Japan is concentrated krytonite to tight northerners/Scotsmen like Paul with basic accommodation and travel easily double what we've paid so far on our trip....thanks to Chinese Eastern Airline our visit gets off to the worst possible start, two delayed flights and a potentially ruinous customs visit means we arrive in Narita airport AFTER the last train to Tokyo had left. Luckily we meet two helpful security guards - why don't they exist in the UK? - who race us to the about-to-close bus stand and secure us two seats onto Tokyo proper....our luck continues as a man on the bus happens to work just around the corner from our hostel and helps us get onto the last tube in its general direction...experiencing Tokyo's Friday night booze cruise as we squeeze amongst the absolutely paraletic locals who dangle from railings like bits of meat in a butchers window...  

where Raj Malalgoda’s 2008 bonus cheque went: “Come back soon my master”

….despite being nearly three miles from our warm beds Paul learns Tokyo's taxi's charge £4 per 350m travelled and insists we - and our 23kg backpacks - can make it to the hostel on foot...two miles later Paul relents and we jump into a cab for the last mile or so... our first experience of temperature controlled toilet seats... ￡46 in a Japanese Youth hostel gets you bunkbeds, in a closet....after being bowed to for the fourth time that day Rhaani declares she loves the Japanese people and wants to adopt them ... superb food, when we can work out what were ordering, crapping all over Wagamama with a great Chicken Katsu curry at CoCo's curry house…. crapping all over Yo-Sushi at Kaiten Sushi ... not so keen on the powdered green tea on offer though...the fashion disaster that is Japanese youth….

dedicated followers of fashion

…. getting used to ordering food through vending machines, even in restaurants... a 5:30am departure still fails to save us from a 90min queue at the famed (and awesome) Daiwa Sushi restaurant in the Tsukiji fish Market…. after a wander through the hectic market which featured some of the biggest fish - and knives - I've ever seen, we sit down for some of the freshest and tastiest sushi on the planet... Paul's tightness comes to the rescue as the group next to us recoil as they receive their "chefs choice" set menu which includes Cod Sperm sac sushi

maybe it will taste okay with a little bit of ketchup?

I’m guessing this one’s not reserved for John West

....wasting ￡20 on the worst city bus tour ever, "on your left is where the fabled ancient castle used to be, unfortunately it was destroyed during the war and now is replaced by a non-descript office building, on your right"....enjoying the best people watching ever.... maid cafe girls....taking part in Shibuya’s iconic five-way crosswalk....after 100 days Paul finally finds caffeine free Diet Coke and can have a coke with his evening meal without being wide await until 2am….our first experience of the superb bullet train doesn't disappoint, not only supra-300kmph speeds but massive leg room and seats that swivel around to always face the direction of travel (Saloni you must have loved it) ...

you don’t see too many of these on the East Coast mainline

….. Kyoto, full of great temples ... Rhaani lets her spiritual side shine through when she declares the famous Ryonji garden is really "just  eight crappy rocks on a bed of gravel!"

did you think about decking? Or maybe a swing?

... our awesome Ryokan experience with traditional plunge style bath (think 1970's football changing rooms), Kimono's, low-lying tables and 9-course Michellin starred meal...sssshhh, be wewy quiet, Rhaani’s hunting Geishas….

damn they’re fast

…after another agonizingly prolonged internet search Paul finally locates the shop from which we will buy our traditional japanese gyutou kitchen knife. The winner is Shigeharu which has been making knives since the 1100’s… the harrowing Hiroshima peace park and memorial museum....a local ….compliments Paul on his chop-stick skills, quite the turn-around since when we started out he used the single stick stabbing technique.…a great day trip ruined, pouring rain means our day trip to Mijiano island is the shortest ever recorded....

alright just take the photo and let’s get out of this rain

….Rhaani's Japan trip is complete after we discover there is a chance to visit the home of Sumo, Ryogoku wrestling theatre and watch the country’s top sumo wrestlers in a 7am open practice session to celebrate the Emperor’s birthday…

ah little white man, see what happens when you don’t have that 8th plate of rice for breakfast

…Paul’s the big winner as his ticket wins him a chance join the after-show party and receive a signed paw print….catching a Christmas Day flight back to Hong Kong. No crackers are allowed as they constitute a security risk – thanks a lot Bin Laden….China East Airline do their bit to keep the festive spirit alive by serving chicken fried rice on the flight…



JAP-FACT: whenever a country carries out a nuclear weapon test the Mayor of Hiroshima sends the country a complaint letter calling for the scrapping of all nuclear weapons.

150m from the A-bomb epi-centr

UP NEXT: Back to mainland China for Guilin and Yangshou, home to the scenery that inspired a million Chinese restaurant calenders.