HONG KONG

not a bad view for 25p

WHERE: HONG KONG

WHERE (less detailed): CHINA-ish. China marks our passports with a “left the country” stamp. This in addition to the fact that Facebook is now accessible makes us wonder if anyone bothered to tell China we gave Hong Kong back ages ago.

DAYS: 98-100

WEATHER IS: hot, nice and hot. T-shirts in December. Nothing like it.

shorts in December

TEMPERATURE IS: 22-28 degrees

PEOPLE ARE: a mixture. Thanks to our cut-price accommodation (Chungking Mansions) we are pulled back into the world of annoying, obnoxious and overbearing Indian hawkers. But others extremely nice, and best of all they’re considerate enough to put English signs everywhere, on street corners, in shops and on menus.

FOOD IS: excellent, possibly because for the first time in months we know what we are ordering.

A BEER COSTS: not sure but a cocktail and glass of wine in the uber-swanky Aqua bar overlooking Hong Kong harbour (another great GoToJo tip) cost £16.

(bar)room with a view

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: the look of unbridled joy on Rhaani’s face after she is finally reunited with a western style toilet, complete with toilet paper....”This is the most amazing place in the world”, she cries at being able to knowingly order grilled chicken....the ridiculous Hong Kong Harbour light show. If anyone has ever turned a light off to “do their bit for the environment” know your actions have been pointless. In 20-mins Hong Kong creates a carbon-footprint larger than the one you, your family, everyone you’ve ever known and will know in life... the afterlife... purgatory...could possibly leave. And it's a shitty show....the 25p Hong Kong ferry....Paul starts to salivate like a Pavlovian dog after his first sighting of Pick’n’Mix in 3 months....a fruitless search for multi-coloured obviously fake Rolex Watches (another dud Weelian Tay tip)...the magnificent view from our “Mansion” flat - and the landlord told us we’d been upgraded to a family room which had a window! The 45 degree angle’d cable car to the Point....

home sweet home

INTERESTING FACT: Hong Kong is so considerate that you can actually check luggage at subway stations the day before you fly out and then casually trot to the airport the next day.

DAYS SINCE PAUL SHAVED HIS HEAD AND HIS HAIR STILL WONT LIE FLAT ON ITS OWN (monkey boy):60

hardly the light fantastic

THINGS LOST: nothing to add

UP NEXT: JAPAN: land of the rising sun and a million vending machines.

ZHANGJIAJIE NATIONAL PARK



finally...

WHERE: ZHANGJIAJIE NATIONAL PARK
WHERE (less detail): CHINA

DAYS: 93-96

PEOPLE ARE: possibly the most helpful in the world or we just had the most amazing piece of luck. Thanks to Paul’s nonsensical last-day strategy of “always take the downward trail” we found ourselves by a desolate - and possibly long deserted - exit gate. We also found ourselves in the ultimate Chinese backwater. While local women washed clothes on rocks in the river we wandered aimlessly, without a clue as to how to get back to civilisation and more importantly Zhangjiajie city. Despite using our best pointing efforts on several locals we looked set to spend the night in the pig shed. Fortunately we found a local bus and despite the driver not understanding a word we said and looking like the most confused man on earth at the sight of a map he ushered us onboard. An hour later we still hadn’t moved and the bus had filled up with other passengers who then alighted on-masse to get on another bus. Just as Paul started to think about feeling guilty for not agreeing to walk (uphill) towards the main entrance the driver started the bus. Two hours later we pulled up at our hostels front door. As soon as we got off the bus pulled an immediate U-turn. We still wonder if the other passengers were told about the slight detour or if they were just happy to take an impromptu trip to the big city?

WEATHER: freezing cold in our room in the park because Paul failed to realise that the windows were wide open throughout our stay. In his defence Paul didn’t realise he had been allocated such a duty for the year. Otherwise a mixture of mild clouds and crisp sunshine while we hiked.

FOOD IS: either rice or noodles. Rhaani’s attempt to order some vegetables resulted in another plate of rice and her contention that the hostel owner “doesn’t speak Chinese.”

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: our fake student ID cards are rejected because we are collectively 32 years over the 18-year-old student limit...a three day hunt for the Avatar mountain....Rhaani’s opinion of the park takes an immediate battering when she realises it contains hundreds of monkeys - wild monkeys! Unknowingly walking the wrong way up our first mountain...the stunning views from the top makes up for any lost positioning - although not the presence of monkeys, according to Rhaani...catching the last glass elevator up the side of the next mountain range...Paul fortunately spots our hostel as our bus-full of noisey Chinese tourists zooms around another sheer drop cliff...two more days looking for Avatar mountain....finding Avatar Mountain....the sad realisation that despite the fact we are in one of the most breath-taking natural location in the world by day 3 we were both a little over continually stunning scenery...

that's a little different

THINGS LOST: nothing new to add

you bored? yeah me too

UP NEXT: Hong Kong

SHANGHAI and the place that features on the back of the 1 Yuan note.

Rhaani manages to escape the crowds, for a second

WHERE: SHANGHAI

WHERE (less detailed): still CHINA

DAYS: 85-91

WEATHER IS: sunny and a little bit cloudy. Not shorts and t-shirt sunny but light jumper sunny. Much like London at the moment I bet. 

TEMPERATURE IS: 18-20 degrees

PEOPLE ARE: oblivious to the concept of personal space and unable to walk five foot without bumping into each other. Its’s like the entire city has signed up for a life-long game of Pinball. It truly unsettling - and this is coming from someone who’s lived in London for 13 years. Take the tube for example. In London there will be the rude few who try and squeeze into the carriage before those onboard have had a chance to depart. Here it’s everyone, common sense - and a basic understanding of physics, dictates it’s far easier to occupy a space when nothing is already occupying it. What makes Shanghai tube even stranger is this urgency doesn’t come from a need to be somewhere fast. As soon as the locals depart the train (through an equally dense mass of bodies) they slowly amble towards the escalator and wait as it slowly rises. No-one walks up the escalator. In addition people are happy to wait in the middle of the throng to get onto the escalator rather than walking up the empty stairs. This lack of urgency continues in the concourses. No-one walks with any urgency and yet they find numerous ways of walking into you. It is incredibly infuriating.

admiring the view: of the cocktail menu.

FOOD IS: starting to retreat into what we can make ourselves. We’ve become the travelling equivalent of the 'A-team locked in a barn' scene. Only we’re trapped in a hotel room with peanut butter, a breadknife, crunchy museli and half a tub of strawberry yoghurt. Much like in India we’ve found there comes a point when eating out becomes more of an ordeal than a treat. The enjoyment and sense of achievement that follows struggling through a game of pointing and dining room charades is outweighed by the length of time and effort it takes to order the exciting and unusual food as well as the fact that most of the meat is a) still on the bone b) consists more of fat than meat.

HENCE - Paul’s readiness to throw off the shackles of his tight Northerner/Scottish roots and pay £18 a head for lunch at the uber-swanky Shangri-La hotel. We took more-than-full advantage of the all-you-can-eat Dim Sum lunch special (83 dishes on offer). In fairness we did find some excellent cheap take-away sushi in a shopping centre.

room for a wafer-thin mint?

A BEER COSTS: £7 in the Jinmao Tower bar, £1 elsewhere.

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: the surreal location of the Chinese Propaganda Poster Museum. Again Lonely Planet deserves a slap. The museum is actually housed in the basement of a housing block in the middle of a council estate. As you follow small hand-drawn directions you start to worry that there is no poster museum and instead you’ve been lured into a trap by a fanatical Communist who’s hiding in the shadows with a huge sword and a hatred for Imperialist Western scum who dare call the party’s artwork “propaganda”. Lonely Planet makes absolutely no reference to the bizarre location....the 83-variety Dim-Sum lunch....the Louvre style underground Apple Store...Paul gets to workout in a proper gym! Albeit a proper gym situated on the seventh floor of a shopping centre. Tries and (only just) manages a 100kg 1RM bench press....cocktails on the 87^th floor of the Jinmao Tower (another poor Lonely Planet tip as the Grand Hyatt welcoming bar on the 59^th floor had much better views and the drinks must have been cheaper (although Rhaani maintains her cocktail was awesome and worth every Yuan)....the impressive skyline view from the Bund...Paul nearly buys a pair of attachable roller skates after the street vendor lowers her price from £20 to £3 - surely everything becomes useful when it costs £3...our patience for Chinese maps wears thin after walking for hours to find the “first meeting of the Communist party” building...the inconceivable number of shopping centres and major western department stores in the city. There are currently two Nike and three Louis Vutton’s stores per person in the city, with plans for more....Rhaani defies all logic and manages to fit into a child’s small Reece’s Peaces t-shirt....

also in made in adult sizes, not that we'll ever need it

....we find a Tesco local mini-market but to Paul’s dismay it doesn’t stock soft chewy American-style chocolate chip cookies...Paul hastily backs down in a confrontation with four (possibly off duty soldiers) queue jumpers at the train station....

Waiting for the Great Leap Forward

UP NEXT: Huangzhou, home of the image on the back of the 1 Yuan note.

  

following the money trail

WHERE: HUANGZHOU, home of the image on the back of the 1 Yuan note.

WHERE (less detailed): still CHINA

DAYS: 92-93

WEATHER IS: cloudy when we arrive but beautiful sun the first day (t-shirt weather). A little cold and cloudy the second day but the sun comes out soon enough.

just like the Serpentine, without the ice

TEMPERATURE IS: 24-28 degrees

PEOPLE ARE: nice enough. We’re here for two days and no-one bumps into us so by Shanghai standards they’re saints.

FOOD IS: a huge improvement on our low-rent Shanghai options. We find some more sushi and some predominantly fat meat. We also manage to buy the most carbohydrate-laden lunch from a local supermarket with bread, rice and dumplings for about £2.... A BEER COSTS - £1.50 for a small beer in the hostel bar. By far the most expensive we’ve had in a hostel so far.

"You know Manny Mallet, right?"

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS:  the magnificently comfortable and newly constructed high speed train link between Shanghai and Huangzhou. Train speeds approach 300kmph and stations resemble airports...just over an hour later and despite a few wrong turns we arrive in peaceful quant massive lake featuring Haungzhou old town - just across the road from the Porsche dealership and a little bit along from the Ferrari and Maserati dealerships...taking a wander down to the park and lake...

... It’s a delightfully relaxing place with obligatory weeping willow tree over the water’s edge... cynical Paul instinctively thinks the people doing tai chi in shiny satin pyjamas must be some sort of local buskers but soon realises they’re just out enjoying the lake... we decide Lonely Planet’s recommendation to cycle around the lake sounds like a great idea and go and hire bikes.... we discover you can’t cycle around the lake...we return our bikes and go back to walking around the lake...Paul’s hunt for the water-pots that feature on the 1 Yuan note begins...

KUNG PO CHICKEN!

...taking a boat ride to the island in the middle of the lake to find the water pots...after 10 minutes and 40 different positions Paul declares the images on the back of the 1 Yuan note is fake... Rhaani witnesses a street fight...Paul’s Kung Po Chicken t-shirt continues to cause much hilarity, especially in the hostel’s restaurant when he orders Kung Po chicken...great food but massively overpriced drinks ...

its a bloody fake!

UP NEXT: the much anticipated Zhangjiajie National Park. Inspiration for the scenery in Avatar.

HUANGSHAN MOUNTAINS

WHERE: HUANGSHAN MOUTAINS ( technically SHAN means mountain so it should just be HUANG. But they’ve started to call the city at the base of the mountains Huangshan as now so technically I’m not sure anymore.)

WHERE (less detailed): slightly northy easterly of central CHINA

DAYS: 83-84

WEATHER IS: cloudy and misty when we arrive in the town delaying our trip up the mountains by a day. But then absolute gorgeous sunshine the day we ascend.

TEMPERATURE IS: 0 - 15 degrees

PEOPLE ARE: exhausted and apparently chained to a tour group and sewn into suits. We climbed countless steps and every second Chinese person was dressed in a full business suit with tie and dress shoes, and copious amounts of  sweat.

FOOD IS: Homemade. Because we were only going to have one day on the mountain we decided to bring a packed-lunch. We finally concede that regardless of how great they taste when fresh, dumplings just don’t work a day old. Luckily this rule doesn’t apply to peanut butter sandwiches which have started to make up an alarming proportion of our weekly meals.

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: the mountains obviously, although not one of China’s 5 sacred Buddhist mountains the Huangshan or Yellow Mountain range are bloody awesome.... within seconds of stepping off the eastern chairlift Paul declares it his no1 sight.... It’s the classic Chinese mountain picture with the contorted pine tree and the bare grey granite mountainside....certainly not the 90min wait for the cable car to go up. We could have walked but it’s a 4hr hike and unlike almost everyone else we didn’t fancy spending the night in a dorm room at the top....having our packed lunch with the most stunning of views.... the god-awful mapping system.... there are about 70 different peaks and ridges all with cute mysticy sounding names. The problem is there are about 5 different maps going around all with different translations. The result is a bizarre version of the Times Crossword puzzle at 2,000ft. 5 across: clue: Simian Gesturing at Astral Body or Creature once thought to be early man waves limb skywards, answer: Monkey Waves at Sun...

...also no direction arrows at crossroads just a map without a “you are here” sticker....Paul’s Kung Pao chicken t-shirt (written in Chinese) turns out to be a big hit with the locals who laugh and shout “KUNG PAO CHICKEN!” whenever he comes into view, fun for the first 10minutes of the 3hr descent...turns out the simply stunning western descent is pretty dull and probably only looks decent on the way up cos you’re looking for anything to take your mind off the endless steps, cable car down and more time exploring the summits would have been far better, bloody Lonely Planet ... our joy at making it down to the shuttle bus with 30mins to spare is short lived as the bus driver sticks to the Chinese system of “I’m not leaving until every one of these seats is sold”....arriving in time for the last bus back to the city only to find there was no bus...our good fortune that the distinctive red bus receipt we were waving at random coach drivers was spotted by little Chinese student looking for the same bus. Our new best friend called the bus company demanding a bus to take us home...our bad luck that despite assuring us the last bus back was 4pm the driver now says he’s going to wait until 5pm in the hope of selling more seats  - we’re the only passengers... since the 5pm departure time means we’ll miss our 7pm train to Shanghai Rhaani calculates that it would cost us less to offer to buy every spare seat on the bus than having to buy new train tickets....

...thanks to our new pocket friend the driver starts driving us back to hostel....after a few minutes shouting on his phone the driver turns around and starts driving us back towards the mountains....we are ejected from the bus and squashed onto the 3.30pm bus with us forced to sit in the aisles ....everything seems to be going swimmingly until the police stop the bus and give the driver a ticket for having an overcrowded bus (as bad as Indian public transport was had this happened over there the driver would have been given a ticket for not having a full enough bus)....the upshot is the whities and their pocket guide must leave the bus, walk across six lanes of motorway traffic and flag down a passing local bus to try and get back to the hostel.... after a quick stop for street vendor noodles we make our train and relax for another overnighter.

THINGS LOST: nearly Paul’s left hand Black Diamond all terrain climbing glove but luckily he backtracked and found it on the path, one of our two plug converters...so complete lost list:  our really useful wire cable for tying rucksacks together, Rhaani’s pair of Teva all-terrain hiking sandals, plug converter.

THINGS STILL IN LIMBO: our £5 deposit for our hostel in Pingyao which we forgot to collect before we left. So far the hostel has been reluctant to post it to us and are now ignoring our emails.

UP NEXT: China's Mianchi Mines, only joking Shanghai