PANAMA CITY

Blending in at the Panama Canal

WHERE: PANAMA CITY
WHERE (less detailed): capital of Panama

the best thing about having no expectations is that you're always pleasantly surprised

WEATHER IS: humid with violent rain followed by sunshine. Muggy and hot throughout.
DAYS: t-74 to 72.

even just by ordinary streets

FOOD IS: while the lobster and shrimps served above the local fish market was a real let-down we turned things around with some outstanding sushi in the old town.
PEOPLE ARE: the locals are friendly but still unwilling to look at maps. At night we enjoyed the company of our heavy drinking fellow sailors from the San Blas Islands catamaran trip.

or not so ordinary buildings

DID YOU KNOW: the average price paid by boats to sail through the canal is $30,000. The smallest amount was $0.36 paid by American swimmer Richard Halliburton to swim through it.

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: simply being able to stand up on after spending 4hrs squashed in the boot seat of a 4x4 on our way to Panama City ... certainly not opening our backpacks to find the torrential rain during the drive had soaked all our clothes and nearly ruined two of Rhaanis favorite t-shirts... the unusual but still delicious Caesar Salad sushi served in a picturesque square in the old town ... the accompanying apple martini's and best bottle of Sav Blanc enjoyed in South America ... the Panama Canal and hearing how "thousands of workers valiantly gave their lives to ensure the success of the project" I thought China had a good line of propaganda ....

thousands died so that a ruddy big boat could take a short-cut

... watching a container vessel be lowered through the Miraflores lock part of the canal ... the surprisingly beautiful architecture of Panama old town. Arriving with next to no expectations we were delightfully surprised to see that old Panama City is a Havana-lite place ... The interesting architecture of modern Panama City's financial area ... certainly not Paul's fruitless search for an open Taco Bell restaurant ... the $1 a bottle of beer happy hour offer at Oldies bar with a classic 80s soundtrack.

certainly not the 137 to Oxford Street

UP NEXT: a 27hr bus/bus/ferry/bus journey that takes us on a whistlestop tour of San Jose, Costa Rica and lands us beachside for 7-days of surf and yoga.

COLOMUBIA to PANAMA

kippers for breakfast?

WHERE: the San Blas islands Catamaran tour
WHERE (less detailed): getting from Colombia (South America) to Panama (Central America)

our sturdy vessel and home for 4-days

WHY: because flying from Colombia to Panama or Costa Rica is obscenely expensive, £400-ish for a 2hr flight which often will swing down to Ecuador to pick up a few more passengers.
DAYS: t-78 to t-75

pirate of the Caribbean

WEATHER IS: fortunately for us near perfect. A few hours suffered from heavy rain while a few more suffered from overpowering sunshine. For Hoolie she just suffered after falling asleep on-deck within hours of boarding the boat she spent rest of the trip with a beetroot red face that would scare small children into sleeping with factor 40 sunblock on.

"Did you not think about putting some sun tan lotion on?" asks Rhaani in a classic Horse, door, stables, bolted moment.

"I reiterate, this trip is not just one big holiday, it's hard work at times, obviously just not this time."

FOOD IS: awful. Coming into the trip we had expectations of fresh fish every day and healthy vegetable based meals. Instead we were forced to witness first hand how it is possible to cram three different types of carbohydrates into one meal. The scrambled eggs for breakfast were nice though.

and admittedly this wasn't our toughest hour, but it's still hard work

DID YOU KNOW: their are 365 islands in the San Blas region.
PEOPLE ARE: having shared a hostel with our future shipmates we (i.e Paul) were concerned at their 20hrs drinking a day policy (Rhaani was more concerned about them being uncouth Aussie Okkers) ... Paul's concern proved warranted as they downed rum/vodka/beer, like water, while Rhaani's concern proved unwarranted ... Pauls survival plan of hiding in the bathroom for 4-days was undone by shared bathrooms and a 6hr passport delay that meant the opening drinking session started at 11am the first day and required an impromptu visit to a local supermarket to replenish supplies ... in the end thanks to light Colombian beer Paul was able to hang out with the rest of the group without destroying himself or his liver ... Rhaani and Julie demolish their 5 bottles of wine plus beer and vodka with alarming ease.

not a bad pic considering it was taken with a non-water resistant camera while Paul stood in four feet of water

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: the morning of day3 when we woke up to the jaw-dropping view of tiny, white beached, palm tree swamped Caribbean islands... finally being allowed to jump off the Catamaran into the open water ... night4's, rum and vodka fresh fruit punch that put hairs on Rhaanis chest ... not being allowed to buy the boatful of lobsters and crabs offered to us by local fishermen after our captain declared they were caught out of season ... Sun-baking on deck with beer in hand as we cruised the Caribbean ... certainly not the news that all x3 of us would be sleeping in a cramped, air-less double bed cabin - Paul takes evasive action and sleeps on deck for the remainder of the trip ... Certainly not the news that we were expected to help out by taking a 1hr nocturnal look-out shift - Paul risks the wrath of Rhaani by sleeping through their shared 2-3am watch duty ... the general amusement at watching the alpha males depart with spear guns and fishing rods and returning empty handed for x5 days in a row ... certainly not the food.

Robinson Tweedale and girl Friday

UP NEXT: PANAMA CITY.

CARTAGENA

cliche, glorious cliche

WHERE:CARTAGENA (pronounced Carta-Hena by everyone but us it seemed)
WHERE (less detailed): north Colombia on the Caribbean coast

one last square Julie?

WEATHER IS: humid but at least the rain has stopped

FOOD IS: Paul declares the lobster curry he enjoys to be one of the best meals he's ever had. Another garlic shrimp offering was outstanding and great value at £4 for a 2-course meal. In fact even the pizza here was good.

All Along the Watchtower

PEOPLE ARE: Beautiful. By far the most attractive in Sourh America, although compared to Bolivian and Peruvian this isn't hard. Years of breeding between African slaves and Spanish settlers has created a coffee-skinned master race with big breasts and bottoms and skinny hips and legs. I'm sure they're equally impressed by our alabaster pallor. Shouting also seems to be the order of the day with raised voices competing with reggae/calipso music to fill the air.

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: arriving off the back of a scheduled 12hr actual 24hr bus journey it's amazing we consider anything a highlight. We officially declare ourselves "over" buses after clocking up over 7 solid-days worth of bus journeys during our time in South America. How this will fit in with the numerous necessary bus rides in Central America is anyones guess...

stepping out in Cartagena

... Things go from bad to worse when we finally arrive at our hostel to discover our room neither has air conditioning or a lock on our door ... a Paul strop later we check into a hostel around the corner with air-con, cable TV and a lock on the door... the next day, after a good night's sleep, Cartagena soon establishes itself as our favorite Colombian city....

Cartagena old town certainly impresses

... Despite Hoolies declaration that she's no longer interested in churches or colonial squares even she's won over by the beauty of Cartagena... the great food is aided by a nearby giant shopping centre complete with massive supermarket and an air-conditioned cinema showing The Hangover 2( or Que Pasa 2 as it's known over here) in English for only £4 ... Delightful daquiris but murdered mojitos in the old town... with the heat rising we hat-up with a selection of hatwear - Panama, Pork Pie and Cowboy - to protect us from the sun... watching with wonder as a shopkeeper locks us inside her store as half the town chases a thief through the streets while brandishing machetes...

rough justice - Colombian style

... The poor fool takes refuge in a shop and keeps the mob at bay until the police arrive ... discovering were not the only ones to appreciate Cartagena as a film set is erected in the town ...

hats off to the extras who stayed in costume in 40degree heat

UP NEXT: a four-night, 5-day passage to Panama on the high seas.

SAN GIL

Is it a bird, is it a plane?

WHERE: SAN GIL

 what nerves

WHERE (less detailed): central Colombia - supposedly home to Colombia's burgeoning adventure tourism industry.
WHY: because we paid an additional insurance premium to allow Paul to do white water rafting and so he's doing it whether he likes it or not.

Barrichara - the places you have to put up with when you're waiting to white water raft

WEATHER IS: dreadful. The longest and heaviest rainy season has swollen the rivers making water rafting impossible.
FOOD IS: limited to Gringo Mikes sandwich shop. Which makes very hearty sandwiches in fairness.

possibly the best cookie in all of South America

PEOPLE ARE: at a loss of what to do. The whole town is focussed on adventure sports. With these off a lot of locals are twiddling their thumbs


the reason why bus journeys take so long in Colombia

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: white-water rafting - CANCELLED, waterfall rappelling - CANCELLED, waterfall diving - CANCELLED. Rhaani and Julie did enjoy a 30min paragliding adventure although any hopes of sharing the experience ends when the wind dies and Julie is forced to wait 40mins until taking off ... life's not all bad as we discover Gringo Mikes fresh, homemade, choc chip cookies... even Barrichara grates as we grow tired of yet another quaint spagetti western colonial town.

Paul - not white water rafting

UP NEXT: Cartagena

BOGOTA

Super Mario/Eduardo - our culinary knight in shining armour

WHERE: BOGOTA

Rain??  Rain!!

WHERE (less detailed): capital city of COLOMBIA
DAYS: frighteningly we've got less than 100 days to go so we're now counting down the days until the end. T minus 91-87
WEATHER IS: raining!!! what the bleedin’ hell’s that all about? After a 33hr bus ride the last thing you want to do is arrive in a rainy city. Yet rain it did, and for the best part of 4 days it continued to rain.

chain of fools

PEOPLE ARE: in chains - voluntarily. The street vendors do an unusual thing where they rent out their mobile phones. To ensure no-one runs off with their devices the phones are attached to them by chains. After being told by the Bogota-residing brother of Asia-women-loving Brian that he was robbed of his iPhone at knifepoint Paul adopts a “everyone’s a suspect” approach to people.

when the sun comes out it's quite a pretty city

FOOD IS: at, Anderson's, the restaurant owned by our new bestie (best friend) amazing. Paul enjoys a mouth-watering steak with a freshly-made chipotle and strawberry sauce along with a caesar salad and hash brown on the side (far better than Gaucho, Hawksmore or Goodmans). Rhaani enjoys a delicious chicken salad. Elsewhere not so great. On our first full day in the city we opt for “traditional” fare. Paul decides that when you're non-the-wiser after reading the “English menu” it’s time to play safe. His chicken breast with  chimichurri sauce and banana fritter is actually quite nice. Always the adventurous one, Rhaani goes for Peto, which turns out to be some sort of white broth thing with white corn lumps in it. It comes with a small dish of brown sugar, not that that helps.

the view's nothing spectacular but it provides a welcome rest after walking from the trolley car to the viewing point.

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: the bus-ride to Bogota - our trip to Bogota was always going to be challenging. With flights from Quito costing in excess of £250pp we decide to take the 33hr taxi/bus journey to Bogota. The trip didn't get off to the best of starts with the ride from hostel to bus station taking 1hr alone. Thankfully our uber-helpful hostelier was on hand to ensure we get on the right bus. The 10hr drive to the Ecuadorian border isn’t too bad. Things get worse when we meet two Hooray Henrietta’s gap-year students. Bizarrely they didn’t think to bring any money with them and we end up subsidising them until Bogota. Remarkably the border crossing is relatively painless - apart from a pushy Columbian taxi-driver...

a nice church in Bogota

... From the border it's only a short 24hrs drive to Bogota. Despite decent quality roads and a relatively modern bus the journey was a nightmare. When the driver wasn’t taking corners at break-neck speed he was alternating between slamming on his breaks and gunning it. Rhaani was thrown out of her seat and onto the floor three times while Paul smacked his head against the bathroom door when foolishly answering the call of nature. It was so bad that the next morning, over 14hrs after getting off the bus, we still felt sea-sick and unsteady on our feet... thankfully we had our hostel with a wafer-thin matteress and single bed-sized covers to ease-away our misery... the Botero Museum and an afternoon studying the paintings of someone who must be a feeder ...

some girls are bigger than others

... the gold museum. After “learning” about the role gold played in the Mayan culture Rhaani finally gets to the good bit - the Museum shop. Barely a few minutes later she's in love (with a bracelet that she bought the next day - Gold encrusted backpacking, it’s the only way to go) ...

"it's amazing, it's amazing, I love it so much" - "you do realise you can't wear it until you get back to the UK or someone will chop your wrist off" - "dammit!" 

... the police Museum and the Pablo Escobar story. Our guide is a Colombian policeman. He seems especially pleased to tell us that famed drug-dealer and Medellin Cartel boss Pablo Escobar was quite the lard-ass upon capture. He seemed less excited to recall the fact that at the peak of his powers Escobar was worth $20billion...

You're knicked son! Actually Escobar only handed himself over when it was agreed that he could build himself his own jail - along with disco and swimming pool. But after a while he got bored and left.

... a trolley-ride up to the hills over-looking the city ... unfortunately it was still pretty cloudy so the view was nothing special ... Paul is ecstatic (and nearly makes Rhaani pee herself by delaying her rush to the bathroom) when he finds an electric tennis-raquet style fly swatter for Central America ...Rhaani is handed the smallest glass of wine ever ... the best lunch of our South American journey, made even more memorable when they restaurant owner (a Mexican/San Diegoan) came and sat with us for 45mins and gave us a foodies guide of Bogota and San Diego. Especially happy to hear about San Diego Sushi joint Miso Harney!...

Now don't say anything, but after breaking up with Kevin Mona's let herself go somewhat

... Julie returns from her trip to the Galapagos Islands (the flash cow flew into Bogota, and even bought 2 tickets, show-off) just in time to take a ride to the posh part of town and enjoy decent Pad Thai, Chicken Gyozas and sushi...
ITEMS LOST: Paul’s wafer thin and quite frankly useless (sorry dad) sleeping bag, at least it looks that way as the hostel in Cusco that promised to send it to us is now stalling on delivery.
UP NEXT: San Gil, adventure sports capital of Colombia.

the stunning Catherdral

WHERE: QUITO

WHERE (less detailed): capital of Ecuador

the view from the top of the Cathedral

WEATHER IS: truly four seasons in a day. Starts off beautiful sunshine, then clouds over, then starts to pour with rain, then hails, then sun again

FOOD IS: the breakfast in our hotel is a bountiful feast where we are served freshly made milkshakes and Nutella on toast.

an Angel to the north

PEOPLE ARE: our hostelier is great and even drives us the 1hr to the bus station and makes sure we get on the right bus. The street vendors outside the church love Rhaani but that might have had something to do with the four shoals she bought off them ...

they may have raped the country for gold but at least the Spanish left behind a few nice buildings

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: our 8hr day bus arrives 2hrs late dropping us off in a dodgy neighbourhood in darkness. The first three cab drivers look confused then drive off when we show them our hostel's address ... In a moment of rare stupidity we get in an ordinary car that pulls up with a cardboard 'taxi' sign on the dashboard... As we drive we wonder what the odds are that we are about to say goodbye to our money, bags, passports and possibly our kidneys ... In the end we are dropped off at the right address and the driver even waits to make sure we get in safely ...

Quito town square

...climbing the near vertical stairs to get to the steeple of the city's Cathedral ... driving around the old town being to ashamee to tell the driver that we are just looking for a Burger King ... We find a Western-style shopping plaza that has Taco Bell and Pic'n'Mix for Paul, and a Yoga strap for  Rhaani, unfortunately we have run out of cash and none of the ATM's will give us any money.

UP NEXT: a 33hr bus ride and then BOGOTA, COLOMBIA

GUAYAQUIL



the McDonald's security guard highlights just dangerous a place Guayaquil is

WHERE: GUAYAQUIL, ECUADOR

WHERE (less detailed): a port-town in South West Ecuador used as a launch pad for Galapagos trips

WHY: In Guayaquil to drop off Hoolie for her Galapagus Islands trip - too costly for our blood - and to allow Paul to make a 13hr round trip pilgrimage to Montecristi where the best Panama hats are made.

The man from Del Monte say Yes!

WEATHER IS: sunny again

FOOD IS: hard to say. After a brief 9hr overnight bus journey we arrived in Guayaquil to find out we had contracted Julies sickness and diahorrea bug. As a result eating was off the cards the next 48hrs

the mark of quality

PEOPLE ARE: our hosteliers were awesome. They allowed us to check in at 6am, have a powernap and then gave us breakfast.

(one of) Rhaani's worst nightmare

HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS: as soon as he had breakfast paul was back to the bus station for an I'll-advised adventure. The hostel girl said it couldn't be done in a day, Rhaani just said it was stupid. But regardless after three buses and a taxi I was at JOSE CHAVEZ FRANCO's house where Panama Hats have been made for over 70-years. A few ill-fitting attempts later I could be mistaken for the man from Del Montes ... a few toilet trips and an alley-way vomit later and I was on the bus back to Guayaquil. By 10:30pm I was back at the hostel ...

Guayaquil church

...Meanwhile Rhaani, who hates Iguanas and pigeons visits the pigeon infested Iguana Park to really bring her nausea to the fore ... a visit to the promenade wasn't quite as exciting ...

UP NEXT: QUITO,