INDIA REFLECTIONS

Kerala backwaters

• never have I met a race of people with such a problem with phlegm, if you were to produce a "relaxing sound of India" CD it would be filled with the sounds of hocking, snorting and spitting, with a backdrop of sitars, panpipes and car horns, honestly not a minute goes by without being bombarded by nasal fluids

kids, blood, stone, more chance

• the surreal combination of beautiful historic architecture against modern streets filled with rubbish, homeless people and cattle

and you know that's not gold paint

• the nationwide inability of Indian men to pee anywhere near a toilet, I swear a blind man, with an erection, peeing in the dark, having been spun around 10 times would have more accuracy - and this is coming from Paul

what do you mean there's no McDonalds

• if India truly is the fourth most powerful economy in the world I dread to think who the fifth is

my arms sting just looking at this

• the impossibility of finding a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc - which undoubtedly contributes to the daily death toll from drinking countryside "Hooch"

look everyone's got one, we have to keep up

• general cleanliness, while on a train we finish our local snacks and look for a bin for the wrappers , we are advised by a well-dressed local to just throw them out the window, obviously the "keep Britain tidy" message came after the fall of the Empire (which still doesn’t explain the state of Forest Gate)

travelling in style

• it's hard to make a general comment about the people as frequent exposure to locals who are blatantly out to scam you means you believe everyone has the same agenda; being asked to pay 20IRS one day then 150IRS the next for the exact same journey is a perfect example

the scale of some of the landmarks is truly inspiring

• a massive thumbs-up to the designers and tailors of India whose intricately embroidered saris and silks leave even the homeless looking fabulous - although those who chose to go Western seem to shop at “Lucky’s 1970s Emporium of Raylon and Polyester”

beautiful...from a distance

• a big thumbs down to the restaurant napkin manufacturers who have managed to create a substance with absolutely zero absorption

from a distance I said

• never has a country required so many people to do so little work. Every restaurant has at least seven waiters, six of whose sole responsibility is to sit around chatting while every hotel has at least 10 staff eight of whom do no more than sit and drink tea, I swear a one-man band in India would have five members…

he only came to Varanasi for a long weekend, in 1951

• India is definitely not a place for the over-protective “Are you looking at my bird?” boyfriend. Were such a question ever to be asked a “Yes” of thunderous proportions would echo from every nook and cranny, high and low, near and far. As well as every man within view, men would emerge from dark alleyways, from behind window shutters, from under cars, even a few would appear from the grave, all saying “Yes”.